Turtle's tantrums and tales

Lately

2008-08-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

Lately I seem like another language
Are you in trouble?
are you in trouble again?
And you know how they say
The past is a foreign country
How can we go there?
How can we go where we once went?

Have I been standing here for so long
Nature's found a way of telling you that it was going wrong
So which way do I go to get out of here?
Avoiding land mines, and all the other stuff round here
Replacing Hercules with the heroic sounds of Formby
Remove the tunics touch, stood aside from the putch
Stood aside from history.

Have I been standing here for so long
Nature's found a way of telling you that it was going wrong
Through the Kategaat, maybe Outer Java
Oh did you wonder if these days will stay true?
All through the years, all through the dead scenes
All through the memories, across the memories, melodies, melodies
Have I been standing here for so long?

Nature's found a way of telling you that it was going wrong.

A Fine Balance

2008-07-30T05:19:00.000-07:00

How much can you write about yourself?

That is the true conundrum of blogging I find. I just don't have a great deal to say about myself really. I think talking generally about what you've been doing is a bit dull. For example if you say that you did this on Saturday and then did this on Sunday it all sounds a bit juvenile like when your teachers used to criticise you for using the word 'and' too much.

The other end of the spectrum, is of course, trying to be too clever. Maybe posting your own poetry or philosophical rants on your blog. This type of blog treads thin ice as in dances the danse macabre (see i'm doing it!) around 2 massive pitfalls which are either i) being too abstract ii) being too profound and therefore annoying (we've all got problems man!)

You need to find some middle ground or 'A Fine Balance' to quote author Rohinton Mistry (AGAIN!), This is the true zen like state of blogging to which I aspire but which I am hopelessly far from reaching... Of course, there's the whole "being yourself" thing and the "not caring what other people think" barrier which many bloggers cross.

Have they found enlightenment? Perhaps by being on one end of the spectrum and not realising/or caring is the answer. But of course, by doing that i'm already drifting away from the middle ground I seek. Perhaps that's just not for me...

Forget new worlds

2008-07-27T05:35:00.000-07:00

Please disregard that last post - what the f**k was i talking about. So what have I been up to these past couple of months.

Well I have...

1. Lost some of my faith in the Mighty Boosh after a disappointing festival.
2. Seen the Archbishop Desmond Tutu preach.
3. Discovered how easily one can spiral downward into homelessness.
4. Cruised the boat into Central London.
5. Lost weight.
6. Helped deliver a second Summer Exhibition and appeared briefly on TV.
7. Said prayers for the late Jan Maloney, may she rest in peace.
8. Lived without running water and light (15 days and counting)
9. Stopped writing my rock opera and book (they're rubbish anyway)
10. Been left speechless at just how much friends and family will rally round in times of trouble.

And that is the purpose of this post, times of trouble indeed, I just want everyone to know that myself and Jess appreciate it beyond measure. We love you all.

xxx

Musings II

2008-04-30T03:16:00.000-07:00

Space is important as there are too many words in the world. Words and images wash over you like a sand castle on the beach everyday.

So i don't know what to believe anymore because the physical world is too cluttered. We all need a new world or to make new world.

My new world is called world.

Musings

2008-04-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

All artistic endevours have sybolism at their heart...

This is a flaw

A symbol endangers the thematic...

Art must be themed to have an impact...

One second cannot change a life...

One second can change a life...

Anything is possible...

This is symbolic...

A flaw...

Anything is not possible...

Monumental changes can happen in a second...

Small changes happen in a lifetime...

Lack of uniformity leads to a post modern braindrain...

A condition of unchartered macabre somethings...

That's why everything is so uneven...

Favourite word of the day is...

2008-03-27T06:13:00.000-07:00

...Cackle

Favourite word Today

2008-03-25T06:28:00.001-07:00

Is..... Udders

Eh!

2008-03-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

Eh! Moli!

Eh! Eh! Moli Moli!

So i haven't posted in a while, chalk it up to plain laziness really, i've entered into a sort of drifting period where life sort of washes over you and you feel vaguely annoyed about but don't really do anything about it.

Hot like a tin can spewing lots of crab juice, KLOW!

When i'm on the train or walking around i alwys think of interesting things to put on here but whenever i sit down to update i have no inspiration.

Wedding bells with growth spurts mumbling a haiku.

Tooth tooth tooth tooh.

Crap crap crap crap crap...

God i'm quite uninspired today.. i should enter the summer exhibition.

Its nearly April you fools!

2008-02-26T04:17:00.000-08:00

Do you like my plastic surgery?

2008-02-15T04:45:00.000-08:00

The Hopeless Romantic: A Case Study

2008-02-13T04:29:00.000-08:00

So this is the time of year where we all get a little bit lovestruck and try and reflect on how much we love each other. For many people this will involve an over the top display of affection backed up with purchases that will please the other but will mentally have them ticking boxes.

Others will fail miserably in this aspect of Valentines day and some won't bother at all. Whatever happens it all comes back to the great ideal of the Romantic. The doddering red-tongued iconoclast of poetry and wit who flatters to deceives and woos to the groove of an imaginary drum that sounds curiously like a heartbeat. Arrogant and impossible to achieve? You bet.

So the alternative is the so called 'Hopeless Romantic', the love lorn Morrisey type who yearns for something more and somehow 'feeeels' more then the average person because they are touched by some kind of intangible loneliness that somehow seperates them out and makes them special. Cop out? You bet. There is nothing more egotistical then calling yourself a hopeless romantic. I did myself once and now i realise i was a fool.

And the reason for this is that A romantic is someone who focuses entirely on love, nature and the universe in that order and not a tool for definition. Those who use the term hopeless romantic as a construct of their identity are even worse because they wear their forlorn sighing depression like a Cherub on Ketamin.

The romantic is not something that you can define yourself as but more something other people define you as. If someone can define you as a romantic without a hint of sniggering then you are one but you cannot call yourself one. I know this because i am not one and the reason for this is because to come out and be this dogmatic excludes anyone from being given that honour.

But at least i know my place in this world.

I'm Old Gregg.

Annoying face

2008-02-11T05:56:00.000-08:00

I don't like Hilary Clinton's face. Its so wild eyed and she's caught such distasteful floppy faced enthusiasm. It's like a disease.

In other news It was a nice weekend with lots of chores and nice weather. I'm all chored out so its good to start the week at work.

But i'm excited as the ninjitsu journey begins this week and me and Muffin begin our training. I will be learning under sensei Duncan Olby and announce my new Bujinkan rank to the world:

Jūkyū White belt.

All right.

Things to shove up your arse

2008-02-07T06:03:00.000-08:00

· To do lists

· Ungratefulness

· Things that go bump in the night

· Shit offices

· Equally rubbish voices

· Smelly septic tanks

· Most other things

In response to the idiot McMaster.

2008-02-05T05:14:00.000-08:00

1) That the board of every cultural organisation should contain at least two artists and or practitioners.

Most cultural organisations staff are filled with artists themselves so having a self serving artist on the board helps no-one. It is proven that artists have little or no understanding of administration and organisation in the arts so i believe it is best that instead of enforcing this rule it would be beter to stipulate that boards liase with artists whose work lies within a particular field of interest that the organisation wishes to take. This should be a requirement to ensure sound decision making.

2) That all publicly funded cultural organisations remove admission charges for everyone for one week each year to address the endemic ‘it’s not for me’ syndrome.

Seeing as the arts council has recently had its budget slashed i find the idea of making those who have actually retained their funded status bow to a free admission charge for a week inherently stupid and shows no recognition of the extra costs incurred by these organisations by doing this. Who says that just because cultural organisations receive public funding they must cut another vital source of income? I think this government really has no idea of how badly the arts need money. If arts organisations do this then the goverment must meet the costs.

3) That the ten most innovative cultural companies receive ten-year funding packages to support their ambition.

Equally insane. So you've made your decision and you have your ten most innovative cultural organisations. They've got their funding. Then what? Do you do the same next year or is this some ten year contest? If its every year how do you budget for it? If its every few years how do you stop conflict arising from those who have missed out on this golden goose? Is it not possible that this leaves many organisations out in the cold who are then left to turn to corperate funding to survive? Does this not than create some sort of league for arts organisations? It sounds like another method of control similar to the stranglehold that the Times has over education.

2008-02-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

SO….

What to write about….

Hmmm….

Get back to you on that tomorrow.

P.S Death to the Nineties!!

The Nineties are coming back

2008-01-17T05:27:00.000-08:00

The insidious nineties are making their return to these shores.. First the Spice Girls re-unite to take flight and show the UK that mothers and sem-neurotic bintism can still translate into girl power despite the fact that they are all pathetic.

Today Kevin Keegan has been named as Newcastle manager with all the geordies thrilled that the man who briefly threatened to bring them some real success is back in Toon.

And what else pray tell?

Well i haven't yet thought of anything else but if we see an upturn in popularity with anything associated with baggy bun bags, wrestling or gawpy faced goon brained grunge balls then unsheath your sword and recant this poem..

Yee of the Nineties, from cheesy pastures came.
You shall not corrupt with outdated fame
For if you rear your nineties head
Then i shall knock your sideways baseball cap clean off
With my turn of millenium blade of steel and death.

Yee of the Nineties, from spotty moors of kewl
Your spells of feel good Brittania are what makes me ill
And if you shall come at me with your VHS
Then my MP3 will rip your Tye dye top to shreds
And so shall my blade stand stout and right
Aganist the Nineties foe of spite!

Back in the basement

2008-01-15T04:38:00.000-08:00

Being corrupted by money is something i've always wanted to happen to me. As i sit in the basement of the summer exhibition office having personally sworn to myself i'd never do this job again i am meditating on my own corruption.

So i'm back doing the summer show once again though i know this will definitely be the last time. Have i been corrupted by money? True my rise has been meagre but it is what basically made me stay, if they'd offered me the same role i would have turned it down.

So in a year i've graduated from Assistant to Team Leader, I'm strutting around like Gareth Keenan going ooooooooooooooooohhh and yeaaaahhh.

I'm corrupted and i'm dirty like Cousin Elvin's chocolate popsical.

But my apparent unproffesional dirty work self is tempered by my new found love of ninja and a health kick.. So in this regard i am very pure. Consequently, everything rests with me giving up my vices and maintaining this health kick for if i don't then i will be a damm damm dirty bitch..

Oooohhh Yeah.

Boilers Fixed

2008-01-09T04:35:00.001-08:00

Fixed, a new slightly suspect boiler that masquerades as a modern piece of hardware but is ropey as fook at actually heating water. These Morco's ain't what they used to be, ain't what they used to be, ain't what they used to be..

www.solveigs-song.me.uk

That's the guy who fitted sain boiler, he's building his own boat and has been for some years now, he's cool...

Anyway, so the way of the warrior has taken hold of me after christmas and new year (which was nice by the way, i got a new hat)

Myself, and my darling wife are going to commence study of the Bujinkhan, the only genuine international form of true Ninjitsu. Soon the power of the Ki will inform all my waking hours. Next week we will watch a session and ask our future sensei many questions. Training begins the following week.

Check out the glory of Master Hatsumi!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bujinkan

Apart from that, i'm just back at work, trying to write my novel and thinking about how i am finally going to be a Ninja Turtle!!

Where is my mind?

2007-12-21T03:26:00.000-08:00

I'm like a shivering hobo, a fucked up millipead, like an otter on crack or a lobster on speed!

I'm like a planet with dentures, a rabbit with dementia i'm a like flab on stick served up for your tea!!

Merry Christmas everyone. XxX

And ill see you in the New Year

Christmas Party (Let's drink and frown)

2007-12-19T10:01:00.001-08:00

So last night we ran out of wood and the evening was spent frantically chopping up damp wood from the top of our boat and stealing whatever we could find to burn from bins.

Tonight I am going to attend a glitzy Christmas party at the Royal Academy of Arts, darling, with a Russian dress up theme in anticipation of the exhibition we are having in January…It will be attended by the entire intellectual and creative cognoscenti of this most esteemed institution (namely drunken old men and neurotic women)

One hitch though, the Russian ministry for culture have apparently declared that they won’t lend the works to the Academy so the exhibition is off.. Oops..

So then celebrating an exhibition we won’t be having, hmmm…Russell Brand tabled the idea of a monkey government on the last programme Have I got news for you.

I think that has particular relevance to this whole fiasco.. Life is indeed strange at the moment, so I think ill just get back to celebrating good old fashioned Christmas with my tipple in hand and thoughts of fire wood in my mind.

Indeed, the only time I have felt myself recently was last night going at that wood with a blunt axe in my hand like that dude off the Shining. All is well, all is good.

Fucked Boiler

2007-12-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

Well,

Boilers fucked.

Gloom all around, wind my only friend… No Hot water, No Hot Water, No Hot Water,

Oh no, the boiler must be fucked.

I feel like Bippo the clown

2007-12-14T07:19:00.001-08:00

The boat has recently hit a new level of cold which is beating the living snot out of me and my wife. I am now convinced that convection is shit and trains are only good for warming your feet.

I just want to be warm. That’s all I want.

Decom happened recently and it was everything that I expected which in a way was great but there was posers element to it that messed with my head somewhat. Nowhere seems all well and good but if its full of the same scarcely veiled show-offs that make up Decom then I don’t want to know – Being dysfunctional isn’t a fashion, it’s an annoyance.

Led Zep are back and everyone is talking about ‘Stairway to Heaven’ and what a great tune ‘Stairway to Heaven’ is and by the way have you ever heard ‘Stairway to Heaven?’ its great.

In other news, sushi goes well and I’m now getting so use to wasabi that’s beginning to edge out mustard as my favourite ‘spice is nice’ treat. At work, offices are moving and I’m skiving off early today, booze on my mind with a renewed addiction to nicotine and that twat who wrote that column in the London paper the other day can fuck off.

Poem For Jan, Boo and Dash

2007-12-11T01:31:00.000-08:00

Read the words
You turn the page
But all the words sound the same

But we’ll read them too
We’ll read them with you
Until the dawn of chapters new

Pigee Exit Stage Left

2007-12-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

Pigee Magoo didn’t know what to do
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!
He walked alone in darkness and madness No!
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!

Came to a town where he was born
The town he left
In fear and scorn
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!

And the memories he had
Came back through time
A message from god
To change his mind
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!

Where to start
Your life again
Endless questions
Where to begin
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!

Saw a girl by the fountain
He was attracted to her mountains
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!

And there will be no hope
In this life or the next
But if this is love
Then there may be some rest
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!
.. Pigee, Pigee yeah!

The End (Of this particular tale)

Zeal

2007-12-04T05:45:00.000-08:00

He ordered the arrest of the hottest woman in the town.
For an act of lust that defied the laws of the crown
Wrapped around and outcast in a place that was too close to call
She would stand trial for the degradation of her soul.

But she would not respect
Any judge who would burn down his court
She condemned our practices
She condemned everything she saw

She raged and shouted like
No one had ever heard before.
Magoo sat quiet
Unmoved by it all
He calmly told her
He told there was no escape
Until the hallows of the gallows and
Her grisly fate.

But she would not respect
Any bars or jail cell door
She condemned the prison guard
And all that went before.

They talked in hushed whispers
Under the golden arch
Could they kill the man with the
Man with the iron heart?
One tear down Pigee’s cheek
Would tell them all they need to know
About a love that had grown so much
But had come so low.

They moved with haste and surrounded the palace gates
What once was peaceful soon became a mob fuelled by hate
They raged and shouted and demanded that he show his face
Dissention was their mantra and freedom was their fate

But no brute or man of flair
With strong roots
Or stylish hair
Would dethrone the king that day
He stood tall in the old town square.

He said if you don’t want me
Then I don’t want you
How can you look at me
And still do these things you do?
Etu Brute but the daggers were put away
To wait for another day
As the great wheel turns.

Something so pure to him there were
But the memories all gone they’re all gone they’re all gone
Something so pure to him there were

But the memories all gone they’re all gone they’re all gone.

Acres of Sorrow

2007-11-29T05:55:00.000-08:00

Strolling, strolling along, head to the floor
And your eyes to your chest
Trust in your leader for he knows best
Strolling, I’m strolling along
Just passing the time
There’s too much of it now
Still I can’t find the time to rest.

Suspicious minds, rule all the time
Its time to go from these acres of sorrow
The light is getting dark
So please don’t wait for tomorrow.

This unholy exodus
Ill news is our new guest
Its time to leave this sinking ship
But he won’t let my people go
He won’t let my people go

Greek theologians like to philosophise
New York women like to talk about their thighs
Pigee Magoo only wants to chastise
And the news flies round the town

But I’m still strolling, strolling along
Heart on my sleeve and a hat on my head
Ignoring all the rumours for I know best
Strolling I’m strolling along don’t tell me the truth
For the truth will mean death
He’s just a poor boy in a man’s vest.

Hope unrefined, now the worst of crimes
Its time to go from these acres of sorrow
The light is getting dark
So please don’t wait for tomorrow

They say that he’s gone insane
A pale grey shadow crumbling away
Conscience made of metal
With A hatred of the rebel
But he won’t let my people go
He won’t let my people go

20th century hicks like to philosophise
London women like to talk about their size
Pigee Magoo only wants to get high
And the news flies round the town

Is it his fate?
Can he escape?
To a place that knows no bounds
People can dream
But what if their dreams
Aren’t all they seem?

So Pigee Magoo what will you do? What will you do?
So Pigee Magoo what will you do
What will you do?

The plans that he made
The lives he destroyed
Began as plague ridden schemes
Sweat on his brow
He couldn’t see.
The tomb he wove inside his dreams

Lock and Key

2007-11-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

He’s got a heart that’s made from wisdom
In a thousand year old grin
He’s got a heart that’s made of tin
He’s the fury of the seraphim
And he’s the ally of the hero
Until they look away
But he tries to find the reason
Of why they are so brave.

Is it this thing that they call love?
That’s linked to this thing that they call morality?
Is it this thing that he’s left behind?
Hidden away under lock and key.

He’s got a soul tempered with madness
The madness of control
Lusting from his ivory tower
Watching over those he craves
And in his altered state of mind
Blissfully unaware of time
He tries to find the reason
The reason why he cannot cry

Is it this thing that they call love?
That’s linked to this thing that they call morality?
Is it this thing that he’s left behind?
Hidden away under lock and key

Loneliness that strikes like fever
He is the only one who will receive her
But he only watches from afar
And dreams of what might be
If he could only express himself
Could only express himself
Express this thing that they call love?
That’s linked to this thing that they call morality?
Expressing this thing that he’s left behind?
Hidden away under lock and key.

Express this thing that they call love?
That’s linked to this thing that they call morality?
Expressing this thing that he’s left behind?
Hidden away under lock and key.

Reign of Terror

2007-11-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

As the dust settles in.
A lawless saloon opens its doors
A night of carnage will then begin
Matched only by intrigue matched only by sin
Matched only by intrigue matched only by sin

At the centre of it all?

Guess who?
On a throne of skulls
It’s Pigee Magoo,
Lock up your daughters
His gang is on the town
And if you are not in his pay
Then you will be in his way.

The library is closed
And they shut the schools
And those who stay out at night
Are just plain fools
They closed the roads
They control in all
And the quicker you step out of line
Is the quicker you will fall in this reign of terror
In this reign of terror.
Matched only by intrigue matched only by sin.

(It could be you! insert face here)

As the dust settles in
Drunk on moonshines and special brand gin
Gun toting madmen with grand designs,
Matched only by intrigue matched only by lies

The root of it all?
There can be only one
The iron clad king of ivory
With no sense of fun
And his plans are growing
They reach out far and wide
And no matter how far you will run
You’ll never escape his piercing eyes.

The taxes are rising
And the bribes are flowing
And the friends that you had before
Ain’t worth knowing
Its all for one
And no one helps
Because in times like these
The only one you can help is yourself
In this reign of terror
In this reign of terror
Matched only by intrigue matched only by sin.

If you only knew what it was to be him?Matched only by intrigue matched only by sin.

The Battle

2007-11-22T06:11:00.001-08:00

And when they clashed from till the dawn until the night.
And the town hall fell and the court house burned,
And the crims ran free and we all locked our doors
And we all knew then it would not be like it was before.
And we prayed and we hoped that we might survive
Even as Duffy fled into the night
And Pigee stood tall in the old town square
And he said come now you need not be scared.
And he herded us out and oh what we saw
Look at him Look at you.
And I watched him say
With the storm clouds high
And the deepening quiet
And oh what for?

He told us all
He told us all
I am the law!

The Rise And Fall of Pigee Magoo

2007-11-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

The Rise and Fall Of Pigee Magoo

By M. B. Turtle

It Began As a Mistake

I was walking around this lonesome town
And on everyone’s face was nought but a frown
And all you could see amongst the shattered debris
Was a town contested by two parties.

Duffy Maloy…

One half of the town was ruled by a butcher.
Go by the name of Duffy Maloy
Duffy Maloy, arch-ripper, with eyes in the back of his head
You stray from his sight you’ll end up in a fight
And you’ll certain end up dead

And with his plans laid out,
Cigarette in his mouth,
He’ll plot your certain doom.
Don’t fuck with him now, don’t come around,
Or you’ll disappear into the night without a sound.

Pigee Magoo...

The other half of the town was ruled by a banker,
Go by the name of Pigee Magoo
And Pigee Magoo didn’t know what to do when he was growing up
He was smarter then most, could deliver on his boasts
As he rose right to the top.

A mathematical mind with genius entwined
Propaganda and pie all combined,
He’ll be king of this town, wearing his crown,
Leaving his enemies one by one in the ground.

Travels in Contracresto

2007-11-15T05:33:00.000-08:00

Work continues apace on my debut album set to be recorded in the confines of the boat. The provisional working title of the album is Travels in Contracresto and will be split into three short stories comprising of 6 tracks each.

Chapter one: The Rise and Fall Of Pigee Magoo
Chapter two: The courage of El Salavador
Chapter three: The fabulous world of Lady Klunkerfunk

Many other super heroes, villains and figures of legend keep popping into my brain and it is difficult to keep track of all of them and give them the credence they deserve. Consequently a second album is already brewing called The Book Of Wallingdeep and more will be revealed in good time.

With such madness going on in my head my pretty much all of the time staying wedded to earthly moments is becoming increasingly difficult. I sometimes feel like my face is like the surface of the ocean with a whole lot of wriggly shit going on just underneath the eyes of everyone else.

I must find an outlet for all of this so for alot of time now i've been funnelling it out of my guitar but is this enough? I feel seized with the urge to quit my job and devote myself to the worlds of Contracresto and Wallingdeep, to learn how to paint and build a crazy mythology, language and imagery around these fantastical nether worlds.

Luckily I work in a Mail Order department for an art gallery so reality is always ever present. Thank god for Christmas cards otherwise you wouldn't see me - id be like a speck on the horizon, a needle in a haystack, a raindrop in a bad assed burping cloud or a dissolving fungus in a hippies tea.

It's Official

2007-11-12T05:17:00.000-08:00

The coldest night that we've had on the boat so far was last night. It was so freezing that i could still feel the ache in my legs as i walked up the stairs at Piccadilly station. Apart from that i've not been fairly busy. This weekend i watched a band on Friday night and got a wee bit pissed walked around a bit on Saturday with Tuatha in Brick lane. He spent a fair amount of cash on art.

Sunday was chill day and i did chill indeed - perhaps thats why the boat was so cold this morning.

BTW Ainsley Harriott cuppa soup is the best soup i've had in ages - it's really great. I suggest you buy some from your local convenience store.

Exciting life?

You bet.

ill News is an ill guest

2007-11-09T05:54:00.000-08:00

Which is good because there is no ill news. I was grumpy this morning though but it is a lovely day in fair London - The greatest city in Britain.

In anycase i've been consumed by a purple patch of creativity recently which has lead to the birth of The Rise And Fall Of Pigee Magoo.

Here's a snippet:

Pigee Magoo didn't know what to do
When he was growing up
He Was Smarter then most
Could deliver on His boasts
As he rose right to the top
A mathematical mind with genius entwined
Propaganda and pie all combined
he'll be king of this town
wearing his crown
Leaving his enemies one by one in the ground

I've been driving Muffin mad with this for the last few weeks so i thought that i'd torment you all with it Hah! I also came up with this choice line on the way to the train.

Greek Theologians like to philosophise
New York women are the same with thinghs
But we are all just people (May Change)

Thoughts?

I Love Chores

2007-11-06T03:08:00.000-08:00

Actually I don't.

Thoughts from the weekend

2007-11-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend I re-discovered what I feels like to climb trees and god told me to drink more tea then coffee.

I also discovered bad indigestion and the true meaning of crusty living.

Reppin Bear Biddy Bays

2007-11-01T04:41:00.001-07:00

Last night we had a lovely gathering with fellow boaters at the far end of the marina. The Brentford pumpkin challenge cup brought some interesting contenders. Stand out pumpkins included a melon (purchased due to national pumpkin shortage) sculpted into a rabbit, a pumpkin that looked like an Amazonian warrior and a trio of pumpkins each more inventive then the last. The latter would go on to win the tournament. Yet not one pumpkin utilised UV light, a fact that made me sorely regret not being able to find a pumpkin.

There was wine and good chat and a belligerent drunk boater named Murray who told us stories about plumber friend Rentoleak, the worst plumber in the world whilst informing his fellow lady boaters that they had disconcerting buttocks. We also learnt from some Devoners who live on the island that proper terms for Bays from Bideford is ‘reppin bear Biddy Bays’

We also might get ourselves a kitten as it was proven to us last night that you can keep them on the marina. It just requires a jigsaw, some spare kittens and a decent name ( which we have largely thanks to T.S Lewis)

I want one and i'm tired of of this woeful office assistant substitute on my outlook at work!

Cool.

Halloween Blues

2007-10-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

Apparently nowhere in London has a fucking pumpkin.

So know UV cigar smoking pumpkin pirate for us tonight..

Wah!

Here comes the winter

2007-10-30T05:21:00.001-07:00

So summer draws to an end and friends move on…

To Boo and Joe, great friends and noble creatures who will be sorely missed when they move to Exeter although I’m happy to see that they are so excited about going despite the fact that I’d obviously prefer them to stay.

To Dougal now off travelling for the foreseeable future when will our paths cross again? Time from the man so in demand is fleeting, watch out world, the all-seeing all dancing multi coloured tutu sporting zombie slayer is on his way!

So now I must focus on simpler pastimes, kindling and coal, cruising in the rain and other such things. More insidiously, the aim to expand the ever growing crew of West London dwellers is part of the plan (Yes Carla Parr). Backs have been turned on the East and now we must forge a new stronghold here in the leafy pastures of Chiswick, Ealing, and Hammersmith and of course, lovely Brentford.

Meanwhile it’s Halloween tomorrow and I must set myself to work on creating a UV reactive pumpkin sailor to beat of competition from the other boaters and win the prize for the hottest Pumpkin in town.

To Walling deep we go!

Sorry everyone

2007-10-19T03:26:00.000-07:00

Muffin grilled me for my blog post yesterday and looking back i think i've been a bit harsh..I didn't want to offend anyone

I only did it because I love you all so much (Sniff)

... God do I sound like Hagey or what!

Time to leave this sinking ship

2007-10-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

Recently i've noticed that there seems to be a reluctance, nay a lessening of will to update our blogs with the deeds of our lives. Blogs are forum for dicsussion but it seems that our little community of bloggers doesn't have very much to say. The posts get shorter and the days between each post get longer.

Are we running out of things to say? Where is that youthful spirit of optimism and eagerness that characterised our blogs in the summer of 06. Is not the point of bloggery to act as an online diary? Are we all just simply drifting apart?

There have been many moments of triumph in our blogs, posts that move you to tears or make you cry with laughter. When first i created my own online journal blogger was the first thing I logged onto when I went online.

Where are those days now?

Is is the world? Masscacres in Burma? Hezbollah shelling Israel (and Israel massacring innocent Lebenese)? The continuing controversy of the Iraq war? Continued child trafficking in China or Maddy?

Or is it the Burn?

I must admit my friends that I have felt the pinch to have felt this desire, the ongoing sense of nothingness, the overwhelming sense of a gap between our blogs, the growing atmosphere of emptiness. It all whispers but one thing..

What do we write about now?

Too this I have the answer, you write about yourselves, you write about your lives and the things you do and most importantly of all you write about what's on your minds because that's what used to bring us all here and that's what's driving us all away now.

I for one will not tolerate it, I will not tolerate strolling through this blog graveyard with my tail between my legs wondering where everyone has gone.

It is time to leave this sinking ship.

Bonanza

2007-10-08T06:10:00.001-07:00

This is the first time that my home town football team have been mentioned here but after 10 games of the current season I just could not keep quiet…

This weekend we triumphed 3-2 at home over promotion chasing West Brom who lie third in the league. The win follows on from a dreadful 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Preston at Deepdale who lie 21st in the league.

In ten games we have only managed to not concede a goal in one game, one. Yet we have scored in every game we have played.

In all honesty I do not have a clue what is going on at St. Mary’s this season but after two fairly ordinary seasons which at times have yielded promise only to disappoint this is probably the most fascinating time that I have been a fan. Every game is turning into a goal fest and draws are a thing of the past.. We either get whipped or we beat the best sides in the league.

It’s the most interesting 14th placed team I’ve ever seen.

Banished from youth to old age

2007-10-03T01:51:00.001-07:00

And as you walk through this tidal wave of a city
Full of people and injustice
Mourn the loss of innocence as its cast into the graveyard
Banished from your youth to old age

It only gets worse as you get to know me
I’m the architect of my destruction
And long ago I lost the ability to feel
Swept the hurt under my soul

So shake the hand of the maker of this world
He’s out of the office today.
The guidance given is surely taken
Today that guidance is ignored.

And as you walk through this tidal wave of a city
Full of the poor and the holy
Mourn the fact that you cannot get to know them
Its now time for you to go….

To the Man who would be King

2007-09-28T05:13:00.000-07:00

Boris Johnson has opened up his campaign to become Mayor of London with perhaps the worst sweeping declaration of any politician in history. His grand plan to win over us voters is to scrap bendy buses should he win the vote. Now whilst bendy buses are large, difficult to manoeuvre and cause congestion they are also very useful in transporting the huge volume of people around London on a daily basis. So what then, does Boris Johnson plan to do with the huge number of bendy buses that he is going to scrap? Where exactly will they go? Didn’t some people somewhere along the line, namely us taxpayers shell out a fortune for these bendy buses?

But in his recent article in the telegraph Boris assures us that this is all okay because scrapping the bendy bus will enable us to bring back the antiquated Routemaster buses in a modern format will help us tackle fair dodgers. Fair dodgers? Is this what Boris expects us to believe, that tackling fair dodgers will balance the books of public money that he is going to blow on his revamp of London transport. Let’s not forget who Boris wants to fund his vast fleet of double deckers. Beneath his fair dodger excuse Boris has offered little further reasoning for scrapping the bendy bus other then paper thin excuses relying on bluster at best and some lame-duck arguments about how uglythey are.

So is this how Boris will base decisions that will have such a massive impact on the economy? It’s enough to make anyone run back into the waiting arms of Ken Livingstone, because let’s face it, whilst Ken may be jacking up the price of an Oyster card every five minutes you can bet that after three months in power, Boris will be looking at his budget sheet and doing exactly the same thing.

P.S I'm a bit sick at the moment so i'm lashing out at all and sundry, i just saw Boris's face on BBC news and had to attack!

Britney smears dinner over face

2007-09-21T04:03:00.001-07:00

Reading this headline in the London paper has definitely been a highlight of the week for me. There are times when the slap happy Murdoch inspired way of writing just has you in stitches. This was certainly one of those occasions.

Other highlights include the arrival of my new digital 8-track recorder and the writing of 'It Began As a Mistake' to hail the arrival of Pigee Magoo into the archives of Contracresto's epic history to compliment the beginning of a new musical destiny.

Twas ever thus.

Drinks on Wednesday night and relentless slagging off of the Mobo awards for no particular reason, this was good also and tickled me in ways i've never been tickled.

We also got a free TV and DVD player yesterday, doughnuts anyone?

Yes!

2007-09-14T03:22:00.000-07:00

This is my 12th day of work in a row but it's finally the weekend and i feel like a golden god. I even felt good getting on the train today despite Muffin's horrendousy slow and ponderous running which almost made us late.

Running to the train has now become one of life's morning rituals...Nah, i can't be arsed to talk about the morning,it is Friday and i am happy...

Also, look out BM 2008 I am going to unleash an art project the likes of which you have never seen!

Get ready for Smokey Turtle's Water Play Pen! Bring many a water balloon and let the destruction begin.

2007-09-13T02:04:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say today but i thought i should say this...

Why an earth does Boris Johnson want to get rid of bendy buses if he becomes Mayor of London?

What a waste of taxpayers money.. He might cite congestion/tradition/ the environment or whatever but it's just not sense given the volume of people in London and when you've spent all that money on them.

It's exactly the same as concorde when they scrapped that and gave a plethora of semi-relevant reasons (one crashed and that was it! Planes crash - it happens sometimes, move on!!!!) and then allowed countless low-cost budget airlines to flood the market..

Madness, fucking madness..

Notes from a small Island

2007-09-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well I am back from Bestival and back at work. It's also my anniversary today with Muffin, we are now a year old as a married couple.

She is right in her blog post, we do get scrumped - that is a fact. But we also have dreams, dreams that we might day fly like an eagle (you know in the R Kelly song i'm talking about)

We also dream that we might day make paper plate bean skakers with glitter and glue and that these paper plate bean skakers would look nice and sparkly.

She is also right that we have snug times in the boat as well. But in this we also have dreams, dreams that we might day win a the Brentford break dancing grande', and we have been training many evenings for this.

So one year on we are close to achieving our goals, she gives me such herculean support that far from being like the hot Alan Cumming, she is more like a good wife who can do anything, and i love her for that. We also want to keep chickens on the top of our boat.

P.S I'm very tired from Bestival, i got very scrumped on herbals and other nasties. ;-)

xxxxxxxx

The end of the world as we know it.

2007-09-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

So depart for my final festival of the year tonight for yet another weekend of selling oxygen and herbal highs to I could drop with exhaustion. Then on Monday morning I must commute in to work from the Isle of White, although precious Ferry time may allow me to get keen after a weekend of wallowing in the mud. All in all I have spent 14 days doing festivals this summer which is 2 weeks – roughly the amount of time needed to go to Burningman (which I have just missed)

Now I am thinking that the £800 quid that we have retained (as we have spent a fair wad of our festy cash already) is compensation for having missed the event of our lives. I mean if you’re going to be exhaust yourself at festivals then there may as well be a monetary motivation. NO! Compensation can get fucked, I feel like a lost soul but then what can you do. 2007 Has been a hard year in a lot of ways but I’ve loved it all the same, the added pressures of living on a boat have been both a burden and a blessing yet hopefully, after the watershed of the 2007 burn the balance will hopefully shift.

The first step to doing this will hopefully be a months time when we have finished painting our boat and sent dear Dougal on his way (although, this will admittedly be a sad occasion as well as he is going) but the foundations will be there all the same and I look forward to that with great hope and joy in my heart.

In any case I shouldn’t moan, what I should mention is that we did attend a lovely wedding this weekend and I personally wish Lucy and Kev all the love in the world for a life-long and happy marriage. Indeed, yes, the countdown does well and truly begin here.

xxx

Three generations of Josef's

2007-08-13T03:16:00.000-07:00

Well that was quite a weekend. On Friday all was calm, me and my lady wife sat in the cratch of the boat, sometimes the odd fellow boater would come past and wave, make small talk, or generally nod. But all was quiet in preperation for the arrival of three generations worth of Josef's. We met them at Somerfield car park and baby Skye burst into tears when I sat in the back with her and directed Josh and Em to the Butts. Those who are not familiar with The Butts need to come and visit and familiarise themselves with it, post haste!

On board we served them tea, coffee, booze and various other drinks. Jess's dad Fred began to wax lyrical, spin yarns and twidle with his beard, the baby cooed and little Wayne asked lots of questions, he was an inquisitive little one indeed. However there scant time to enjoy the evening however as it was quite late by the time they arrived. Soon before you could say Uncle Barnaby Fred and Wayne were whisked off the the fancy holiday Inn before we bedded down for the night. Please note, booze was consumed before going to bed.

Saturday we awoke, paint brush and sand paper in hand ready to tackle the boat. Next door all was quiet as pur neighbours prepared for their home birth. Occasionally the odd mid wife or family member would come past eagerly strolling along the pontoon to get the latest updates. Starved of news we were! compltely starved! But the boat was calling us and we set to work. sanding and painting as the sun beat down on our increasingly grubby bodies. I looked at my family closely, working with them to get the job down. To complete the task I donned by pink flip flops. Fred was greatly impressed by this.

As the sun began to set we ceased work and made our way to the restaurant over the road to consume Italian food. Much was eaten. Spirits were high as we speared oilves and gobbled garlic bread before gorging on main courses that mostly consisted of pizza, occasionally i'd pause to have a sip of wine or sing to baby Skye. In particular her favourite tune, and indeed of all of ours was the old Northern classic coined by Fred.

Knees up mother brown!
Knees up Mother brown!
Knees up! Knees Up!
Don't get a breeze up!
Knees up mother brown!
HEY!

We settled the bill, had a quick smoke and went home. Our limbs were all weary from a hard days work and it was not long before the old man was whisked off back to the holiday inn for his nights rest. Wily Wayne was craftier this night, his burning desire was to sleep on the boat and he got his risk. Myself and and my lady wife entertained his slumber party desire as we slept on the Puw's whilst Wayne slept on the mattress on the floor. Josh and Em were less enthusiastic having smoked a hefty amount of reefa that day and proceeded to pass out.

The next day we all awoke to the sound of the our phones being rung continously by Fred demanding attention. Whilst Josh was once again called into action to collect him me, Jess and Wayne set about maknig bacon sarnies and putting the kettle on. Petrol and oil was purchased for the boat as we prepared to take her for her maiden cruise.

Once on the water we made our way up the grand union canal and cooked our roast on board as we moved. Locks were navigated and some cunty boaters were met inlcuding two ugly Scots who were snobby and rude and some middle class leisure cruisers wearing bad clothes. I hated them and wanted to kill them. The trip took a round six hours and was rounded off by Fred taking her into the basin on our way home to turn and spectacularly messing it up, abandoning ship and leaving us drifting towards the weir (again!) as we careered out of control. Luckily the marina warden was on hand to give me some sound advice to right the vessel in the wake of fleeing Fred's exit from the boat.

Meanwhile Josh was passed out and Skye, Em and Jess oblivious to this as they put the finishing touches to the roast and we pulled in. The roast was good, yummy in fact, there was stuffing roasties and some good British beef which me and Jess are trying to remain loyal to in the wake of foot and mouth. As we ate we reflected on a jolly old weekend. The baby had been born next door and the world welcomed an 8 pound Sophie. It was lovely to spend more time with the family, quality time that was done out of choice rather then some birthday obligation or because you'd been badgered into it.

Boats are fun. Pure and simple, they might be cramped but they unite people and provide superb novelty value. Cruising is a tad scary but in the end that doesn't matter too much if you've got lots of people involved to help. It was sad to see them all go.

Next up, V festival this weekend and no sleep, great!

P.S We have discovered that one of the people who lives in one of the canal side flat owns a skeleton that he uses as a close horse. At night he opens to doors on his balcony for all to see, last night he was dressed in a grey trench coat and a baseball cap. Apparently the skeltons name is Bob.

Award winning Turtle

2007-08-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

Yay!

I found out today that Quench, the magazine that I was Cult Classics editor for from 2005-2006 won the Guardian Student Media Award for Best Magazine for that year. Hurrah!

I am very proud.. I now want more awards to furnish my previously empty trophy cabinet!

Androids are better then humans

2007-08-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

It's burn month.. boo hoo..

:-(

I'm not going... Only one way to distract myself now..

With a song:

Androids are better then humans
Because they work all day and work all night
And androids are better then humans
Because they won't sexually touch your wife

Made from an alloy so hard
They could crush your skull
with just one hit
So now we live in fear
Fear of the androids and their rampant ways

Dance! Dance! Dance! Do the android Dance!

Androids are better then humans
Because they don't need food and they can run
And androids are better then humans
Because they watch android telly - oh what fun!

Moving with a slight pause
It's not that bad it gives them time to think
So now we live in fear
Because they like to build erect towers!

Dance! Dance! Dance! Do the android Dance!

Collins all round

2007-07-16T05:18:00.000-07:00

So this weekend has come to an end, it seemed like a nice fat juicy weekend. One where you let go of your inhibitions and really distance yourself from the mundane nature of the job..

Surprise has been palpable since as I’ve been offered a promotion at work, don't know if ill take it though, the summer exhibition has had its wicked way with me and I’ve got a head like fried toast and a brain like an omelette.

So the weekend was wonderful, so much so that I still have the fake tattoos on my arms that won't wash off. The Scots performed delightfully as ever. One went with us and showered us with gifts love and affection the whole weekend. The other ended up partying his ass off in dispersed with the occasional power nap, his love continues to go around the country and back on himself all over again..

And I’ve eaten shitloads, honestly, the days of walnut belly are gone. Maybe it's the boat, maybe it's the fact that i don't get out enough, Hmm.. I think I must truly become a salvia fiend in order to get truly fucked up...

COLLINS ALL ROUND!

xxx

2007-07-11T05:08:00.000-07:00

Jeffrey Archer just made me eat my words...I'm also hungover and grumpy...I need to love more.

Love. xxx

2007-07-11T02:39:00.001-07:00

Britain is like a toilet and London is the bottom of the bowl with all the shits of society bobbing on a stagnant swamp of bad manners and self indulgence. Even our very own Prime Minister is called Brown!

It's enough to make you weep, do you know that apparently the death of Diana is still mourned nationwide? I recently read an article by none other then Julie Burchill lamenting her demise. Am I the only one alive who wonders why we are still going on about this so much?

It smacks of the ignorant attitude of so many Royal lovers, they still cling on to the only half decent one we've had in recent times because she retains some kind of credibility and dare i say it, street cred - at least in the glam department. Of course, they want to keep loving the royals because they're all tory twats. But like all Tory twats they are so desperate to be cool like their idol David Cameron.

So they wear cons and worship Diana, they secretly get horny for Philip and the queen but they can't bring that up with their banker friends in the bar after crunching the numbers all day. They crunch and cringe within themselves but never realise it.

Of course, I can't compete with the power of superstar journos like Julie Burchill the fucking legend that she is. Or other journos harping on about the futility of marriage and how every other conceivable traditional pastime that we hold dear in life is really just a chore and a trial.

Over every English person hangs the cloud of inevitable disapointment. Read the newspapers to see what a truly miserable country this place is. We've got a government inventing terrorist plots to scare the nation, journos arguing for infidelity, Salman Rushdie's photo outside Wagamamms's on the South Bank. But that's okay because we've got Diana to remember and a football team to moan about...

Anyone for tennis?..No, fuck off and grow up Britain..

2007-07-10T04:18:00.000-07:00

My mumma always told me.
Be a good boy son
Be a good boy, and never play with guns
But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

And that turned out to be me
With no money or no fun
The lord took my eyeballs
and he took my pride.

The black thorn in the rose bush
Crying tears of blood
Homing in on such a scale
To end the summer of love

And I shot a man in Reno
And he turned out to me
Holding out for all who be
Come on through and fall on me

You will be my saviour today!
Amen to the sweet parade...

Lessons leanred from Glastonbury

2007-06-28T04:49:00.001-07:00

1. Spliff is efficient
2. Every cloud has a salvia lining
3. Fish does not sell well
4. I love scrump
5. How to sell novelty
6. Mud is friend

Had the time of my life I did, from field to field and person to person. Roll on Glasto 2008.

I've been thinking this recently

2007-06-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

Holy Diver!

You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh what's becoming of me
Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh don't you see what I mean

Gotta get away
Holy Diver!

Shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue
Something is coming for you
Race for the morning
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light

Oh we will pray it's all right
Gotta get away-get away
Between the velvet lies
There's a truth that's hard as steel
The vision never dies
Life's a never ending wheel
Holy DiverYou're the star of the masquerade
No need to look so afraid
Jump on the tiger
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean
Some light can never be seen...

Anyway, see you after gasterbuby...

Its Gastrobaby next week

2007-06-13T02:19:00.001-07:00

So its Gastroberry next week and with the moon hanging in tandem with Saturn’s third anus you can be sure it’ll lead to a lethal combination of wine and blue cheese in the third evening of the 15th hour.

Apart from that I’m looking forward to getting away from this place I have to work in and the infernal tedium of relentless sales to wannabe arts collectors who spend £50 on some sub-par etching of a farm in Norfolk and have the nerve to try and engage me in conversation.

So it’ll be nice in that sense. Plus I want to check and see what the fuss is all apart having spent my three years at uni hearing about it from beanie hat wearing cider drinkers, I think its about time, don’t you?

Bored at my desk

2007-06-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Love me not
Eqanox
Getting on a tube train
Home Alot
burning snot
Getting on the new game
Make my pitch
Without a hitch
Getting on a tube train
back in black
Black in white
Home alone no lust no fight

Ass full of pork fat
Jiggles like a jellow mold
Mouth is flapping too

Riddles in the dark
Smoke on the dionysian sky
Blackens the faith of millions
Makes me want to cry
Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry

Riddles in the light
glows with the spirity of all thats right
soothes the heart of millions
Makes me want to shout
straight from the horses mouth....

Blib blob blib blob blib....

Holly cow

2007-05-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Comin at ya like a bag of fleas!

Moving is now becoming a serious effort on the new home, part of me thinks I shall fuse into the place before long.

Last night was undoubtedly the coldest on the thing, yet we have still managed to not turn on the stove yet. Yet it feels like if we turn it then BAM on then i'll be doing hoola wearing nothing but a sarong and pink fluff whilst gobbing on a crab.

Actually its much more likely that I won't be doing that, but turning into a stone gargoyle on the pew, that is much more likely, alas, that will not be tonigth as I have another light to fit anda gas bottle to change..

But expect to hear from a much lasier me from now on, bed at 8 O'clock tonight anyone?

xxx

Happy birthday to me

2007-05-24T01:28:00.000-07:00

I already have got a new mobile and some fab braces which i'm currently sporting at work today,

I've spilled some coffee on a woman on the tube who wanted my death afterwards, and i also spilt some on myself earlier on the train - no more coffee today, but who cares when you're running off the adrenaline of being 22 years old.

And they're so sweet at work - my manager Paul wants to go through how to use the invoice printer with me today, gosh, isn't it nice that when people remember?...I mean I just love invoice printers, they're really fun... So great.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2007-05-23T05:37:00.001-07:00

Next investment: a large tank to sit on our pontoon with adjoining joy stick tubing with powerful suction capabilities so we never have to move our boat again.

Next investment: A large amount of vallium for the next time we even think about switching the engine on.

Next Investment: A bible.

Next Investment: Scientific companies experimenting in teleportation products.

So a new day dawns, a sad day admittedly, having been thoroughly outplayed by our boat, even the fact that the European cup final is on tonight scarcely lifts my mood – I feel like I’ve truly aged, but in any case, there is no sense in being too melodramatic about our first boating near-disaster.

It is my birthday tomorrow and I’ll be 22 so hopefully the influx of things I want will cheer me up.. At least it won’t involve doing this; AHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

xxx

Burners on boats

2007-05-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

Thinking of starting a Burners on boats tribe?

What does everybody think?

I can think of 4 members already... if i spread the word then who knows how far this gravy train will roll!

Land ahoy!

Piss off, i'm a burner on a boat!

Fashion Bot One Online

2007-05-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time my wife ordered 35 vintage dresses off ebay for 5 pounds. After spending one afternoon trying on alot of these fine gowns I became particularly attached to one peechy coloured number which will be used at Nowherre - El wire peach cobler anyone?

Now that is put to bed work has begun on a brand new fashion/art piece for Nowhere in which we will tear the guts out of imacs and adorn ourselves in technical finery FASHION BOT 1 IS BORN! Muffin is FASHION BOT 2.

Apart from rendering my lungs into a hoarse state of ghastly indifference through belowing technical fashion insults, the plan is to single handedly project ourselves into new realm of cyborg sexiness on the sun parched Spanish mountains.

But first, we must tackle the drudgery of our jobs and emptying our tank of 'you know what tonight', it'll be the first time we have moved the boat since we spent six hours with our Mongolian/West Country landlord driving her back from the repair yard.

Since then it's all been smiles and sunshine in dispersed with some stress, rust repellant, elsan blue and other such lovelies.. This new life is fucking ace, and it's unsurprising that thoughts have now turned to blinkies and fur (as it inevitably does after a while)

But in case I don't make it back from the pump out, please send all tributes to my darling wife (FASHION BOT 2)

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Random Nihilism

2007-05-02T01:49:00.000-07:00

A Bertie basset hound kitchen scrubber robot, a buddha with a gold bannana for a willy, a pencil push broom and paper floor, a bathtub wired up to be an evaporator, a cydog George Bush on a fuel barrel and a bust of Margaret Thatcher!

These are just some of the random things ive seen during yesterday's sculpture submission date for the summer exhibition...The large summer show held at the RA in which theoretically anyone can show work provided they get selected (unlikely), finding yourself looking at a Bust of Clint Eastwood whilst reading up on my boat safety manual in preperation for my imminent move..Fucking hell!

Constructive Nihilism

2007-04-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

Brooding on constructive nihilism the work recent dome building mathematician has tantalised my thoughts. Whilst its all a day's work with the perpendicular sides of a dodecahedron equaling the square root of the sum of its remaining sides all in the blink of an eye for this happy as Larry (not Harvey) Pim's project Ludopolis has shown me how the world is full born burners who never find burning man

(Pim Conradi, Ludopolis)

This structure, as you can see satisfies all aesthetic requirements with a brilliant use of ambient colour and the geometry and symatry of the structure making you bubble inside. "Constructive" in making something but not yet 'nihist', Pim's dome is just wating for a desert yet it is architecture - a whole different kettle of fish, a complete self help structure if ever i saw one.

The key component of most burner art is that it is often interactive as well as displaying a quality of workmanship that compliment a conceptual idea trying to to be transfered. Only very few real day artists come close to this. These are often arts events organised through organisations likecontinental drift or Las Vegnas - specialist art organisations that work in producing fucking cool events that don't over tax you like this..

(Tracy Emin, Bed)

A friend of mine recently went for an interview at the university where this person went to and was criticised for saying that art is good for communicating ideas. Since art is all media how do you avoid this. What was good about Irish's art project at the burn is that it was so obviously the product of his deranged mind and clearly a boyhodo fantasy, yet it looked fucking cool and impressive - No clear message but the point is is that it satisfied the artistic variables in my head that this bed never could.

This bed, right in front of me but yet so far away in a uniformed gallery upheld by archaic traditions that are governed by short sighted patrons and rich wankers. Yet not all modern art is a complete fallacy, you can't help but be impressed by this!

(Martin Kippenberger, The happy ending of Franz Kafka's America)

The idea of it and the scale is completly amazing and whilst the German remains one of my favourite artists, the fact is that it lacks the key component of so much of the art i see at burning man. The ability to erode the boundaries between artist and audience, the removal of celebrity status and all boundaries...Something that the current art world is aeons behind.

In any case I am no zealot, alot of what i see at burning man is shit but the point is that whether it's good or not becomes less of a pressing issue as the society that you live in for ten days does not strive for either good or bad, there is only a constructive nihilism, a will to create in the face of all creation and a system where all art is equal and everything has its own space.

Outer body experience

2007-04-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been seeing myself in a different light. I have to shed possesions in order to move onto the boat but since i pretty much left everything else behind to move to London this should not prove much of a problem.

I get set on edge easily and feel quite sad as at times i feel under pressure...I'm suspiscious of everything today...my lunch tastes like stale rubber...

Bah!

On a brighter note i am close to completing my first El-wire jacket, the next step is to get some sets of PVC struts, rope, a pocket 4 channel sequencer.. about 4 x 10ft different colours of el wire and some other trinkets, although the move is taking up alot of the type that i'd rather be using to be creative..in fact it may time to start fucking some things off here and there and getting back on it...

REM has just come on the radio, i also heard this song earlier today by some anal acoustic freak singing about how great his new shoes were, Jack Johnson feel good traveller beanie hat wearing fucking shite...

How do you like them apples.

Scan scan sacn - oops, spelling mistake

2007-04-12T05:08:00.000-07:00

Work is slow a and laborious...

At the moment we are scanning the rejected works of art for this years Royal Academy Summer Exhibition.

About 9'000 works of art are here and i have to scan all of them....FUCK....

More to come - Ah Yes, another rejected work...

I may try and eat it, it tastes like chicken...paint....stuff....

I'd rather get off with a crab tonight that get off for the rest of my life!

2007-04-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

Woah,

Hey…Craziness abounds as the dust settles on a truly momentous house party which seemed to sway like the good ship albion itself. The approach to the party involved making the best possible use of our basement space which as you know was flooded over the summer. Now the damage that the flood caused can still be recognised today. In particular the most worrying thing was the amount of dust that covered the floor after the carpet was removed.

In the first part of the snug we aimed to make it a cool dance floor bar space, the kind of place that you would go “swing” if you saw it. This was created by installing a bar at one end of the room accompanied by a back wall of booze, a studio Jurtle glowing bar sign and a white fur shall decked with white blinkies. A bright green thick glow stick was put at another corner of the room and one of the clear white wall space of the room was covered with the dali-esque surrealist skecthes of a recent couch surfing, one Italian artist called Valerio Gentile. And his sketches glowed extra “swing” under the UV light Muffin purchased as did our green UV fish next to the bar. In future I would like to have gone completely crazy with UV but alas that can wait until we’re on the boat.

The next space of the snug was the ‘chill’ zone. With this we stuck to the tried at tested formula of the faux fire DVD in the corner and used a brand new glitter ball and ambient red light to send out those ‘good time’ vibes. We complimented this was some heart blinkies of the same colour whilst stripping away as many furniture obstacles as possible to allow freedom of movement.. Now I don’t wanna be a geek and over analyse but I loved the way that red of the chill zone cotrasted with the harsher blue and purple UV… This made my trancem sore.

Upstairs were Jolly Roger Baloons, pirate slang on the walls, a scullery, captain’s quarters, a scary red eyed cardboard UV octopus, an Anchor endless shanties being played and many a stumbling costumed bafoon singing the Dubliners, and a few trying to change the soundtrack to Motown! WHAT!, if I wasn’t so happy that night I would have been angry but of course I wasn’t angry at all – I was an admiral.

From then, it’s all be kind of a blur until today (back at work) but the contentedness remains and plans are already forming in my mind for how to design the boat and of course, Turtle cult at Nowhere but all in good time.. First I had better re-open to dialogue with the geez and drift out of this tired stage tip toeing around the whole – post mash up misery because I am determined that that be avoided..

Anyhow I’m off now, I won’t say peace out or anything but to those who couldn’t make the party, you we’re sorely missed.

Take care

xxxxxxxx

Another satisfied Summer Exhibition customer - Enter Donna White!

2007-04-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

I love helping people, it's thrilling to see people so happy at our prompt, efficient and glorious service!

Read!

Dear Summer Exhibition

Last night, I was the last artist to drop off my painting at your summer show. I was told that I was too late and had to leave.

My husband checked his mobile at this point, and the time was 6.58 – as you know, your closing deadline was 7.00. We later checked the time with gmt, and his mobile was one minute out, still giving us one minute within the limit. We were only let in by mistake as members of your staff were opening the door to leave!

One man even shook his head reprovingly at us as my painting was grudgingly accepted, as if we were naughty children, and another told me curtly that I was wrong, that it was already after 7.00pm. Given that we had travelled for two hours through rush hour traffic to get to your gallery, I believe this was a rather harsh response. One expects bovine officiousness from small-minded bureaucrats, not at your portals.

The point is, one or two minutes either way is not going to spill the life blood of any mortal: I can’t believe the attitude that I encountered last night. The evident satisfaction with which they turned away an unfortunate man who arrived 2 minutes later, was very distressing to watch as he was practically in tears. For all I know, he may have come all the way from Bristol. You might tell me that you were understaffed, and they were tired and wanted to leave. That would be an admission that the Royal Academy was ill-prepared, and that bad manners are acceptable. You might tell me that they were scared that there would be running hordes of artists arriving late if they let us ‘get away with it’. We stayed outside for a quarter of an hour, and there was no-one else.

There is no greater prison than that created by your own mind, and for artists (presumably students) to seem so arrogantly small minded as to try to chase people away even before the cut-off point of 7.00 pm, there has to be a reason:

(1)Who were they afraid of, that they had such difficulty being compassionate in a case like this, where we had come from a substantial distance? (but before the cut-off time is a little over the top.) I’m surprised about this, because artists and students should have a healthy distrust of authority if they are creative.

(2)Were they simply bloody-minded arrogant people who when given a little power, abuse it? Artists with attitudes like this who get into the highest artistic ranks can do a fair amount of damage to people they don’t like. At this point, I could probably fall into the latter category. But as there is theoretically freedom of expression in this country, I have now finished expressing myself, and feel much better.

Just perhaps, there could be greater humanity manifested next year?

Thank you for your patience,

Donna White

Sharp nails, daggers, teeth and a pirate worthy or scum buggery!

2007-04-05T04:27:00.000-07:00

Hear ye,

After a long drawn out process of intense work at work it has finally calm down and i can do what i am best at doing - workwise and that is nothing but surfing the waves of the internet and stewing in its soothing juices.

Anyhow, so its been busy, the summer exhibition is a long tedious hateful process involving people who all think that they are the greatest since michelangelo. What these people don't realise is that I AM THE GREATEST SINCE MICHELANGELO..just kidding, maybe in terms of humour ha ha (laughing)

But all thoughts must now turn to parties and our forthcoming move to the sacred isle of Brentford steeped in tradition, folklore and history where the spirits of amateur poets like Shelley and the deeds of 4th rate generals like Julius Caesar swell in the mist and fall slick on people's find the morning dew on a cool spring morning.

Anyway, so as you may know we have created a neon el wire sign which i did (in truth) bugger up when i'd started off perfectly well but thanks to Dougal's already existing well connected el wire on my green waistcoat all will be fine..im getting in three metres of the stuff next week so im going to need some practice, i was hoping to get it before hand but you can't trust corperations so ill be left to my own devices yet again..well more like my wife to sort me out once more!

so you may not hear from me until after the party all crazy and wild eyed like a feckless freak! a UV animal with the menapause, a yak on heat with fur for a brain and froth for a nose....watch this space freak faces..

xxxxx

I Love the Chosen One, Loving him is fun fun fun, I love the chosen one -NOT AS MUCH AS ME!

2007-03-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

I love him with all my heart I love with my body parts I love the chosen one not as much as me..

I love the Collins drink I love till i cannot think
I love the collins drink - Not as much as me!

I Love the Irn Bru I love it till i think i spew
I love the iron bru Inot as much as me....

And so on...Oh yes, the humiliation of the photo, i look like one of the jackson five! but i've learnt that i would love to live in Scotland forever and ever if i could its quite place, but London is fine for now. at the moment i am prepeared to substitute lines like 'dya dook mae tanny?' for 'clear out the parkside' and 'mind the gap'

Faithless blew my mind all though wink wink ;-) i was in bed and very sick on Sunday nursing an illness..

You can read about everything we did in Muffin's blog, for she has summed it up sharper then a piece of paper thats been rolled up into a corner sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed in someone's eye.. Now i'm off to think about subuteo's demise at the hand of ballnetics, become a blinky god and dream of wild craggs, collins and dome like blizzards -(eh?)

I LOVE THE CHOSEN ONE.....

Don't call me babe

2007-03-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like shit right now... Its been 700 years since you last heard from me so its a wonder that you scarcely know who I am? You don't, I have to make re-acquaint...you see life can be very unerving when access to the internet is infrequent...the job...curse the time!

So I am going to start from the beginnning, in short, I am going to tell you...everything of how we came to move onto the boat of how I could come to miss the burn should an abject miracle not intervene to stop this catastrophe..Flat broke with a crap job thats strabgely endearing...

At least the weekend is near and although My party piece will be swollen glands and lemsip I can at least turn up looking most like a pikey as I do that very well and it will be an accomplished look in Glasgow where I no doubt have long lost family (I reckon im probably Scottish due to my recurring dream that I am William Wallace's fiddle palyer who gets insanely jealous of a rival bagpipe player who Wallace OBVIOUSLY prefers due to the nature of Scottish upheavel and all that what what)

Anyhow so 'Everything' will have to wait but put it this way, never trust a man who runs a pharmaseutical company but wears trainers with a black long coat - it's an atrocious look and I don't care if he had central heating on it... a pot belly is fine for me and fuck moving out of London for a bag of tits it's, all about ultra trad boats and crusty's galore - look me up in the dictionary in five years you might see me...Well maybe you won't but at this point i'm going to stop and observe a respectful silence....

I'm sorry to everyone that we can't go to the burn...But never say never...Hears hoping...

I love you all :-(

xxx

Bright eyes

2007-01-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

Bright eyes burning like fire.

Bright eyes and can you turn and fade?

How can the one thing that burns so brightly suddenly burn so pale.

Bright eyes…

So I arise and see the burning pyre, and wish for the four to come yet know that the emptiness of the burning pyre will continue as I cannot walk closer to it without it glowing faint.

Old habits become an aging dawn that smacks of the ignorance of years gone past risen again to afford you no friendship but only to give you stark warning of an nothing and an everything.

A sweet whisper turns into a faint siren leading you onward as you fall into a cascade of ignorance which offers the path to true wisdom but will only do so upon recognition of this fact. Blind faith turns into a deceptive ally. Sceptical nonchalance an even and the same…

Bright eyes

Question

2007-01-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

Would you love me if I was A Robot?

He's so bright and milky white

2007-01-24T03:44:00.000-08:00

Its snowed this morning, of course it had all melted by the time I got to work.. Engines and crowds in a jam and mothers pushing prams and commuters headbutting their way to work in the manner of a peacock..

Of our very own dust cart of tower hamlets rubbish and recycling was not one of these vehicles contributing to the ceaseless global warming. Alas, typically they decided to save the planet yet again today by leaving everyone's rubbish festering on the streets like fetid turds as usual. Good form indeed for an award winning council.

So I've come through the eye of a needle, I might do some shopping at lunch today, should I find any thing I can make a decision about then all will be right with the world though there is a strong chance I won't.. I'm a fairly indecisive person at the moment, one minute I'm up the next I'm down..i'm like a yak on heat trying to develop telekonesis whilst simultanously being unable to understand the most simplist of things.

I'm getting stupider and more vague all the time, the mental agility of people around me becomes increasingly astounding all the time and I'm left asking the question 'what's the difference between us?' we can start at pythagoras! Or you can scream lets sniff glue and see who means it!

Anyway, confusion..But more likely just this cold snap is making my bones cold. Something that I'll be able to sort out with a trusty friend called booze whilst I build a shrine to a forgotten smokers habit..Who knows, where this gravy train will end!

January sales

2007-01-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hi how are ya?

Hey hey long time no see baby?

HIIIIIIIIIIIIYYAAAAAAA

Hi?

Hey everyone…That’s the only way to say it it’s been so long but I’m nervous you see.. I’ve stared this new job at the Royal Academy of Arts and after two weeks I’m not yet making forays onto the web, for all I know their IT department is as sharper as a folded up piece of paper that has been sprinkled with lemon juice and stabbed in somebody’s eye. What to do? I’m offline!! Knocked out!!!!

Darling Pepper sums up my job perfectly with the apt phrase ‘Paper shuffler’ but it’s all good, it’s 50 percent off in the restaurant and that is absolutely fine by me..I live to eat beef stroganoff and pasta bake! It’s fucking amazing.. in lieu of my new found administration baptism of fire I have also decided on several new career trajectories.. here is the list: Environmentalist (based on having watch I heart Huckabees) Glass blower, interior designer, arts curator, porn star, novelist, shop owner and rapper..

In my spare timeI have created a fictional character called Piggy Magoo and Duffy Maloy.. They tie in nicely with my previous fictional characters such as the Mexican noble El Salvador and his nemesis Sosa Ramone and also Hector, a wannabe Terrance Stamp and Humourless man…Based on someone I once know who shall remain nameless.. This new epic will hopefully be my best yet, not that ill ever write it as fame is lying in wait in much more unexpected pastures…Read on…

I am also apparently making an appearance in a Russell Brand gallery – watch out world.

So here I am floating through, DVD series box sets are currently being consumed by a shitload, cigarette cravings remain strong, Jade Goody is the new Hitler, I’m thinking a lot about food and learning new skills..it’s a productive time for me.. I’m going to be famous through my new found looky likey and I’m already thinking about the next burn..i’m building up to it like a pregnant Zepplin in labour.

Anyway, signing off for the moment..i must update my blog more, it’s getting stupid..pester me everyone..

Lots of love! xxxx

Merry Christmas, see all you pigs in the new year

2006-12-22T05:10:00.000-08:00

So the end of Warwick is ni

Like a big pizza pie

that amorae - or whatever.

Christmas time is a time for family

so merry christmas everyone

For you're all my family - no i'm not Michael Jackson, but i could learn.

New years resolutions?

Many, many conclusions

Fuck that for now...

I love you all - merry christmas!

In the cold cold night

2006-12-20T03:48:00.000-08:00

Started reading Lunar park yesterday, I love the way Bret Easton Ellis is able to portray himself as a hideous drug addled leviathan with no care at all in the world, a raging shit attached to a morbid sphincter of a society gone wrong! it's Christmas time people its time to get in the spirit and yes, part of that involves getting American Psycho out again and reading through all the fascinating killing scene's... Been having some odd dreams recently as well.. Yesterday i dreamt that Paris was a ski slope and I pushed someone down the ski slope until he vanished from site, very strange, it also had Pete Doherty in it dressed in a Magician's outfit but all he was capable of saying was 'Blue building'... I'm also quite jealous of Dougal Dutch's relentless game playing, oh what I would give to lock horns with my wife at Tekken 3 (The only game she will play) and once again be on the receiving end of a pasting, she calls them 'Muffin's hands of steel' that have brought many a shouty wolf down.. Yes Brother Josh i am talking and to little Wayne both of whom I will be seeing soon as part of the Christmas program and thoroughly look forward to it.

Although it may seem as if violence is the theme of today's blog post fear not, for i am not violent and if there was misoltoe over your head i wouldn't kiss you but instead asking you pleasing questions about the weather, talk in depth about the 'problems' in the world and wax lyrical about all kinds of things...

Boastful and bashful and enthusiastic, all of these things are returning! i feel like i've conquered kryptonite and am ready to blast through the stratosphere with my newly found powers, and no this is not because i have found a new job that actually want to pay me money but it's the fact that it's Christmas and i am about to receive gods love, a whole lotta of food, gifts and plenty of good old fashioned sleep, ah yeeeeahhhhhhh... bring on those creature comforts, the next time you see me i hope that you won't be able to distinguish me from an inflated pink marshmallow! And that will be quite literally... Phat!

Christmas time blog post

2006-12-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since i posted here, i've just been SOOO busy, meaning lazy but i've been having a lovely time..

There's been decom which turned out to be a blinky fueled affair encopassing green paint, clowns, space armour and other nouns that can vaguely be associated with the burn.

Now i'm hunting for a new job in the new year after christmas..

so that's my life basically... BAMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like Terrance Stamp riding high like the first of the gang to die with a bullet in by gullet with flair like an atomic glare...

I feel like a lord of a kingdom far away ruling with an iron fist and slaying donkeys like a cowboy on the piss..

Now i'm going to get on my dancing shoes and network with people from the daily telegraph to see if i can smell the opportunity of working for the sludge press, it's the arts section though so thats ok!

i love you all, am i back? you bet your sweet ASS i am!

Merry christmas, so far.

MIA

2006-11-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

OH shit

something terrible has gone wrong and our dear friend Jamie has been sent back to America by immigration just before decom.

It's a horrible state of affairs and an absolute heartbreaker. Jamie, i'm so sorry that you've had to go through an experience like this..

...........

Barren Blog

2006-11-20T04:21:00.000-08:00

I have been a victim of a failed experiment; I tried to take my blog to unseen pastures, abstract settings pushing the parameters of bloggery!

But I failed; I have been guilty of all the seven deadly sins by ignoring my beloved online diary. Maybe it's the towering nature of London towering over me like a city that is big.

So at last i return after a hiatus, how long was it? Three maybe four years i can't remember but during my time away I have learnt these things.

1).....

Nope i can't think of a single thing that i have learnt, basically i got bored of my last blog idea and am cutting my losses because it was a pile of wank, so ill start from the beginning - what did i do this weekend!

Friday Night...
White wine and a dinner consisting of minty lamb steaks veg and potatoes, i fucking shafted it!
The crapest film ever made ever
Saturday...
The stuff: fry-up, TV collection from Freecycle, gym, cleaning and tidying
The trip to a trendy bar in a trendy square to see old uni friend
bed
Sunday...
Trip to Camden to return friends jumper that he left in trendy bar the night before
Lovely roast dinner and play with the kids and Lucy and Kever's
Bed
Today...
Hideaous journey to work, work.

So i'm back, not really firing on all cylinders but with plenty of enthusiasm building back - i hope. Hooray.

Acedia - Sloth

2006-11-02T04:23:00.000-08:00

Yum yum

Past me another hunk of beef!

Yum yum

Pass me another flagon of mead!

glug glug

Pass me my pipe and slippers!

Puff puff

Pass me a bed

Snoor snoor

A good night sleep

Seven deadly sins posts...

2006-10-30T01:50:00.000-08:00

You've heard of them haven't you?

How if you commit one then you will burn in hell?

Now everyone here at tantrums and tales would like to bring to you the brand new initiatve that involves the commisioning of the seven deadly sins for applicable and beneficial daily usage. We believe that sins are simply states of being, functions, if you will of the spectrum of human capabilty, they are causal and therefore have no basis in black and white ideas of capital vice and cardinal sin

Envy - Invidia

Take an ordinary dinner situation, imagine that Imhotep is eating a burger and Jane is eating some caviar - now Jane and Imhotep love each other very much (so we can already see how vice can be undermined) now Jane scoops the caviar into her gob and begins to munch on the tasty fish eggs, green eyed Imhotep surveys the scene and looks sadly at his burger.

Yet generous Jane sees Imhotep's predicament and scoops some fish eggs onto his plate and Immi as she has affectionately dubbed him muches greedily, now Jane, who has by now got very fishy breath and a sulty tongue feels the need for some juicy relief! so while Imhotep is emmersed in his caviar Jane takes a big bite out of the burger - the result

Sharing!

Now Jane and Imhotep are happy, so could you!

Midweek limbo

2006-10-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

Hmm,

Having a pants day really, no explicable reason for this state of affairs... Paranoia becomes a dangerous new friend and all things tangible and infinite take on a slightly hollower feel that resemble a crisp morning where the dew on the ground quickly turns into a slick of mud..

Frustration is the palpable by-product of having just a plain shit day as it stems from the predictable position that one finds themselves in...moaning at yourself because you've got alot to be grateful for and wanting to say "fuck that" life is my party and ill cry if i want to but later choking on your own sensibilities like a hen eating an iron - glunk!

So had an okay weekend, Helen left after farewell dinner which had all the confetti, bad language, parafanalia that a leaving thing should have, i think that a three course meal was very much appreciated by rats and friends many of whom were hungover including me after yes..you've guessed it.. a whisky and wine binge the night before, unplanned as it was but Helsie had the final say on that (unsurprisngly)

Also fit in a visit to my dear niece Maya's first birthday back in Southampton, saw many old friends inlcuding spiky haired Pascal, sisters Lilah and Becky and Khalid who seems to have stolen my librarian with an edge fashion look for his own..

I realise that i've never mentioned my family much on here... Thats not very nice of me i don't think, i don't mean to say that im going to start a regular feature on any of them but i could make this blog a little more informative..Maybe this diary needs a re-think...maybe i've got too much time on my hands as there is simply nothing to do at work today..still, id like to be a nicer person though.

So here i stand rooted to the centre of the week, the centre of the week blues are really strong and the feeling of limbo is palpable, maybe tonights cinema visit will clear these feelings but i don't know..meh!

I hate shit days that have no reason to be shit....

Happy sparkly friend song

2006-10-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

Friends are there....
To turn you around
Put your feet on the ground
For a brand new day

Friends are there
To help you get by
And bring you pie
When things aren't great

Friends are there when you need them
There even there when you don't
Like a walk in the park
or a shot in the dark
Friends are there
And don't they care
For YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't you just love blue on a ornage background?

I love you friends XxXxXxXxXX

Writers block everyone? Not on my watch

2006-10-19T04:45:00.000-07:00

Fellow blophets?

Hello?

Are you there?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU... Sorry, slightly warped today after going to watch Texas chainsaw massacre the beginning, oh the delightful gore of it, the horror and pain i actually think that the sheriff is a billion times worse then the kid with the chainsaw i mean think about it..

1) Chainsaw man is an alchemist and probably in the pay of the NHS department of pioneering medical surgery techniques
2) Chainsaw man actually spends a lot of time downstairs keeping quiet and generally staying out of people's way
3) Chainsaw man deosn't seem to need to eat so would make a good pet and guard dog
4) Chainsaw man is my friend

But anyway i digress.... The main point of this post is to moan about the lack of posts within our fledgling blog community.. Apart from noble Boo i havent been hearing a peep out of our fellow burners and although Leo can be excused possibly it's just not good enough!

Oh but what's this I hear you say "We have lives" "We don't have the time" "I'm bored of my blog" "I've got nothing to say" all of the usual lazy mumbo jumbo,

Now you listen here you crumy lot, i could be passed out on a bean bag with leg for an arm and an arm for a leg fucked on K with a belt doubling up as a G-string and i'd still find the time to post on this bloody thing so you can too!

Yes sir! three bags full sir! You don't want a meeting with a chainsaw do you? NOW YOUR LISTENING! That's right fellows.. reclaim your titles as the greatest blophets in the universe and join me in the stratosphere as we tower above the world wide web arms aloft and our heads held high.

You have the power!

The genre spanner

2006-10-17T05:18:00.000-07:00

So last Friday i had to interview my dear friends Mcfly - chart stalwarts and successors to the throne of Busted, the principle teen pop band - Was i impressed? No.... Was i overawed... No?

It shocks me that the people i work with in this new world of mainstream mass media celebrity orientated pap actually really love this music... I can't understand it, its such manufactured and superficial nonsense but it embraced so clandestintly amongst everyone i've encountered

I remain outside this little noose, i'm sure that the drug of London is what keeps these people so blinkered, careerists for sure, record launch party,stop! hold the press its Emma Bunton's new vid!!! but lovely they are the ones i work with... I'd just love to blow their brains out with a story of naked acid fuelled hippies wandering around masqerading as sea creatures on the dry playa, but i don't think their heads would cope with the counter culture

Or maybe it would, who am i to be so judgemental, i love being in this environment just as much as them... they call me the genre spanner, not really.. im just a spanner!

Anyway its time for this spanner to get himself some lunch..yum yum, food first, thinking second...maybe third after a coffee...

Is this the worst album cover ever?

2006-10-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

This album cover has now inspired me and my wife to drop our current careers and move into album design as its obviously not that difficult..

Just a simple mastery of clip art is all you need!

A quiet weekend.. or was it?

2006-10-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

Had a quiet weekend... Yep straight up...Quiet...Not much happened

I'm being straight up with you blog acolytes of mine, no more wrapping it in cotton and dressing my life up so it looks like a mime in drag.. Forget about all the fancy stuff i said last week about my life being a sandwich

Its not a sandwich and the highlight of the weekend was going to see Origin where my darling wife is currently lending all of her considerable administrative and front of house skills, she's doing an awards evening tonight..got chauffered... so she'll be back late...Someone has invited me out for a cocktail lesson tonight, Origin was excellent by the way, a funky up and coming events with quite a few clothes exhibits and some more out of the box work, that did lead to some of it being (how shall we say in craft terms) "less developed" then other craft shows like collect but it was charming enough! and it all the exhibitors change this week so it makes me want to go again! how devilish of them!!!!

How very...London it all is, thats right very.....London

Anyway so its been quiet, had a chinese at the weekend, drank a bit, watched England draw 0-0 with Macedonia at home

How very not...London...what do i choose? Nondon

I'm too much of a sit on the fencer so ill choose both but i'm quite happy to be quiet for the moment so i think i might go home and have a fag..it's bloody well late and im still at work

so bye folks...see you again, pretty soon!

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Oh and before i go check out my latest review of the tiny little bird exhibition, ooh i'm such a shameless little tart advertising my own work!! HA HA

http://www.myculturallife.co.uk/articles/165/1/Clare-Twomeys-Trophy-at-the-VA.html

Croaking along, singing my song, dum-dee-dum-dee-dum!!!!!

2006-10-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

i'm hungry

I'm tired

ARE WE THERE YET!!!

Yes its the weekend, so much sleep planned, housely goodly husband stuff... service washes and furniture purchases house chores and the like..and also origin, the somerset house craft fair where the wife is working... Fancy, fresh and minty.

Anyway im leaving this strawhouse popsickle stand of an office and blowing out of here like a blue arsed fly!

You got IT! what you've got is IT!

2006-10-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

Life is a funny old thing one moment it can look like a dogs arse and next you want to kiss that arse..i'm working in the world of press releases, interviews, pop pap, worldly gays with names like Magnus but yet last night i was soaked in my own sweat in the middle of a chav infested Southampton moshpit with an extremely wasted but alluring drug addled junkie croaking poetic tripe and triumph down the mic..Oh and somewhere in the midst of all of that i managed to fit in an extremely heartfelt clear the air session with my mother.

But luckily because i have the stability of marriage and i am aware that i am a sack of mostly floating water and goo i'm aware of these vast contradictions. My life resembles a sandwich of somekind with all different kinds of filling...i mean i should be excited because chart stalwarts girls aloud are downstairs, everyone else is but i honestly couldnt care, i couldnt give a fuck..i mean at the end of the day they're just sacks of water and piss as well albeit much stupider..

and so the great wheel keeps turning.. booze is consumed, art installations come and go, tube journeys suck away your money and David Cameron wants to outlaw what he calls Muslim ghettos., in conservative Orwellian double speak this is tantamount to a no doubt sledgehammer like policy against the a muslim community he scarcely understands and is pitifully trying to hide his racism..anyway, death to the conservatives.. i mean it goes on doesn't it..

The earthworm burrows
the caterpillar crawls
and the butterfly feeds..

I am at peace..

you've got to have the bad to have the good,
the ying and the yang,
the charlie and the chang,
the bucket and the spade

Who knows,...i love you all

xxx

Blog backlog? i ride with the waves man

2006-09-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

Like the water that seeks to flood our basement i have been accused of amassing blog backlog because i havent posted in so long..

Surely such an accusation expresses the touching fears of some that they'll miss out on the things i've been doing an therefore somehow miss on the life of Riley..

So what have i been doing you ask? flying kites, surfing webs, snogging beach balls and chewing table legs?, thats the behaviour of a crazy person so here we go...

Home-whisky-sleep-wake-whisky-bedrock-flagging-hugs-dancing-whisky-cunt bouncer- taxi-soloman-24 hour snack shop-wake-chat-fry up-something-bed-5.00 FUCKING START- cemetary-whisky-Stratford-cafe-peacocks-boots-poundstore-thoughts of ha hah hahhh-home-nap-wake-crap im scared-food-bed-worrying-wake-new job- transcripts- reseacrh- micro word- white office- lunch break- tap tap tap-ring phone ring-oh my god this WON'T kill me-dreaming of my darling wife-seeing my darling wife-homefag-dinner-scrapbook-bed fast forward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-weekend-Dougal-Pepper-Helen-ninja'-parents-all in one place-awkward-hilarious-laugh-cry-weed muffin-whisky-go weird-pass out-wake up-Stratford-photos-stress-fine outfit-hot wife-tube-drink-big surprise-even bigger surprise!!-fun joy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams-gratitude-eternal love to my sweet wife who i cherish everyday-tears-i love you-booze-drunken bastard-drugs-taxi-horrible revelations-sketchy morning- contentment-sleep-food-bed-work.......................family-best not worth mentioning- living life-enjoying life- choose life, choose life -choose life- domestic bliss- choose life- choose life!!

choose wife

CHOOSE MARRIED LIFE!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Save the best till last

2006-09-22T03:29:00.000-07:00

So the working week is swinging and its the second full week back since i got home from America..and you may notice that the 'other' blogs are filled with wide-eyes transcripts of wonderment and joy where burning man appears as an oasis of milk and honey where the innocent and naive covort naked on the lawns?

Or have you heard tales of a dry dust sodden playa where mortals prowl the plain in search of the next whisky bar? oh don't ask why! oh don't ask why! where bright neon lights and the natural force of fire go head to head in a battle to where only bloody mary's can win? who knows...so i hear you saying that there's one blog missing, and yes here i am, back at last to roast all of you until all of our ears bleed like we're in industrial fridges playing guitar!

Perhaps my randomness is indicitive of the great frazzled time i had at burning man..it's hard to explain so i will let the pictures do the talking for you see..

1 picture is worth 1000 words!

Some pictures cannot be put into words!

Ode to the bins

2006-08-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Fairwell dear bins and stout binmen, honest of heart and noble of routine. A door closes on a short space of my working life at Eastleigh borough council..

From picking polystyrene out of the recycling, or emptyting compost into a rotopress i will now deal with the strict realities of post modern desert art and working through the nooks and crannies of the behaviour 35'000 slightly unhinged homosapiens..

So here's to my fellow workers all of whom i will never see again..

Dusty Joe- Singer and sebo obsessive
Neil- The fastest loading hands in the south
Mike Bradd- Overtime hoarder and fashion guru
Mike Oliver- Cunt
Dean Spacey- Will work from 6 in the morning to 9 at night..Family man..

Now i will finish this post as i am well aware that i have far too many pictures of men on my blog which may make you ask certain questions about me which have no basis in reality. And im also in danger of becoming weird. So goodbye from me for a while..Next time you here from me ill be browner, more liberal and married. So lets kick up the fire and let the flames break loose! Bring it down! BRING IT ALL DOWN!

Moon sailors

2006-08-17T04:09:00.000-07:00

This is a guaranteed way to make you feel happier...

Repeat after me..

We're sailing on the moon
We carry a harpoon
And we sing all night
And we dance and fight

And we sing our wailing tune

I feel better now, not that i felt bad before, i felt amazing, but now im better then amazing..That means im transcending the happiest feeling ever..That means that i am outside the box..That means i can do anything..That means i am everything...That means im you...That means that your me..That means we're all like one big individual identity...

Good song isn't it?

Fly like an eagle and let the spirit carry me..

2006-08-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

Its one week to the day until i go gung-ho on America's ass and fly out to the realm of king Bush..Im making special flags, worrying about costumes and writing articles for the burning man paper called the black rock beacon-i'd like to have my own columm (Turts burners) where i have an interview with a burner and get to know the man behind the burner, or the burner behind the woman, or something.

Right now im dealing with banks and agencies desperately trying to get money im owed. Dealing with them is like running after a person whose been rolling around in grease for an hour who screams involutarily "your never gonna catch me", its like having wet bread shoved up every orifice by a man without a face.

Its degrading! and i don't like it.

So all of this preperation is going on and im also getting ready to move in with my wife-to-be so im deliberately being as slobby as i can before i have to start listening to those jif adverts. Earlier i bought some doughnuts and sat there watching star trek breathing heavily and watching gleefully as large chunks of the doughnut went down the side of the sofa..Honestly, this is why i have so many friends.

Now, time is getting on and dinner needs to be eaten, i might just head up to the store, maybe some doritos, a little salsa and an old friend of mine called Men in black 2.

Burning man is not going to know what hit it!

I love you all

XxXxXxxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The pride of the lion and the heart of a ravanous dog attacking an overweight pig

2006-08-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

I'm having to keep my mind in a state of constant while everything else seems to be falling apart..

I have to do the right thing..I can't let anyone down...But in not letting some im letting down others...

I go into the back of 24 Showells close today in some shithole area of Eastleigh, im on single items removal but she's got a fucking empire in there to load into the back of this lorry..

I'm pissed off at first, my brow furrows and i shoot her a stare somewhere between disbelief and rage, I tell her in my gaze that in 20 minutes time she will be responsible for an injured back and realising this, she recoils and looks shamefully at the floor..Unable to survey her own garden where half of the old bike frames, ripped bin liners, rusty paint pots and old furniture are obscured by undergrowth..

She says she's sorry and mumbles some excuse about her daughter getting pregnant which scacrely surprises me if this garden is to be taken as a measure of how these people live..But she hasn't realised that i don't mind..Work like this takes my mind off everything else and i can sink away into a pit of back breaking labour and not think for a while..

But some people do not have that luxury, they've got it on their plate all the time..Its always there,they can't escape and they can only endure..

But soon that'll all be over..I will do the right thing and be right where im needed..All the time for you..

XxXxX

Nick wack paddy wack give the dog a bone...

2006-08-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

It is now under a fortnight until, I, make myself known to a city in the desert..And i will let them eat cake, as much as they want.

Although they can have as much cake as they want for by the end of the week we will all look and sound like Tuscan raiders, and in some cases many of us will become Chewbacca. But thats fine because then we can say, nay have the right to say DON'T YOU FUCKING CROSS ME!!...I AM CHEWBACCA!!!

How to prepare? what to wear? nothing at all? of course not..No sex please British..Although im sure ill end up in plenty of strange conversations, Here's one ive envisioned already..For this piece i have colour coded the text according to who is speaking..The key is bellow

(Turtle walks up to speckly freckly burner and in his dry-gallows Southern English accent drawls)

Burner
Turtle

"Awight mate"

"Clothes"

"im sorry"?

"Clothes"

"ooh do you like them, its a nice silk fit down the legs with a little lace trim and i think the top matches, i reckon the Khwarzam-shah look is definately making a come back"

"Clothes are the bane of our society, get free with yourself, what better fit is there then your own skin? Get in touch with your inner child......Get naked"

"Why do that when clothes can say so much about who you are and what your into.. So many of your nuances can be explained in a single melodramtic flick of the wrists with a valore sleeve rolling down your taut arm"

"What says more about you then your naked skin that you restrict and hem tightly away where all the beautiful people around you can't see, What says more about you then the crevass of your armpit jigiling in the wind? or your genitals flowing up and down in ecstacy as you try to reach Nirvana on a trampoline?"

"That just sounds like id get cold..I spose it might tell people that i look cold?

"No, it will reveal your inner being"

"The only thing it will reveal is the last chicken in the shop"

"Which is beautiful, look and see"

"No i'm British, if you do that i might explode, it'll be too much for my sense of smarm and modesty and close-mindedness..I'll go so far over to the astral plain that ill never be able to eat curry and chips ever again or watch county cricket and that... Sir, is too much to risk..Good day to you..

"Clothes"

So there you have it..I microscopic peep at what to expect...

Very excited!

XxXxX

Im feeling very socialist today..

2006-08-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

And she became one of the directors of the Boston symphony and thats how she met Mike whose a millionaire, the guy who has to have the latest Lexus..

And she's just so driven and so determined, and she's a fabulous writer..She wants to open up a restaurant in New York..

Oh my God did you not see any of his work..Its wonderful...

Achievement, achievement, achievement...!!!

Do you want to know whats wonderful?

A man holding down a job in a ford factory till 2 in the afternoon, then ferrying cars about till 7 in another job and then delivering 750 copies of the Yellow pages in another before going home to his council estate to spend 10 minutes with his kids...Oh no sorry, 5 minutes (i forgot he has to bring the bunk beds that he's just bought for them up the flat) before going to bed...While the rest of the estate lounge of the DSS and get up at 11 in the morning whilst still managing to stump the money together to go shopping at Next

Thats wonderful, not the sicophant world based on Ivy league school grades, Rolex watches and whose chairman of this and whose assistant Gallery operator of that..There are people out there who arn't as lucky as that and they don't get the credit they deserve because no one gives a fuck about them...I wish i could kick shit up and change this but that'll never happen and never change the fact that young men with 2 kids working semi-skilled jobs for peanuts will never be more important then the guy who lives in Westcott Mews out in Suburleigh who drives his estate cars and always wears a finely pressed suit..

Spit!

XxX